I recently wrote about the joys of giving directions to the lost of London. I have decided to write a series, a self-help guide, or tutorial if you will, aimed at would be or existing direction givers. Buoyed by the interest shown in the previous post on how to catch, or engage, with the lost, here is the next section in which I deal with the practicalities of direction giving.

So you have caught a lost. You are doing a bit of static direction work,  that is you have chosen a fixed position in an area you know well and are now prepared to field enquires from any comer. Let us say you are being asked the easiest way to get to Grosvenor Square from Green Park Station, one of your favourite pitches.

Firstly invest a moment in evaluating your lost. Do they look fairly bright? Do they appear fit and able to make the journey? Your directions may need to be adapted to suit the client. In some cases it might be better to advise a cab, a tube journey or you might need to do a bit of relay direction or human taxi work, more on this later. If a lost has chosen badly, has chosen an imperfect tube station for example, don’t automatically correct or challenge them. They may have a good reason for choosing Green Park over Bond Street, maybe they just want a walk.

Assuming a reasonable level of fitness, competence and brightness is being exhibited by the lost, proceed as follows. Exude confidence, smile, you are being trusted. This poor lost won’t want to rely upon your information if you look shy, can’t make any eye contact or use phrases like “like”, “”sort of” or “kinda”. No, there is no room for ambiguity whatsoever. You have been asked for directions and you must now give them in a timely fashion, as precisely, clearly and unambiguously as possible. You are the expert, the  skilled helper, as Gerald Egan would have it,   in this relationship.

You don’t need clarification but always ask for it anyway. These are early days in your relationship. You need to exhibit your authority on the matter in hand. “Is there anywhere in particular in Grosvenor Square that you are looking for?” might be a good supplemental question. “Ah yes” says the lost, “I need to get to the Millennium Hotel”. Your chance to establish credibility is now there to be plucked.  “Oh yes,  on the South side of the Square, I know it well.”. The lost will now be in the palm of your hand. One Hundred and Eighty!

Begin with a generalised hand signal. “Well the Square is in that direction.”. Signal in the appropriate  north-westerly direction with your hand and arm. Keep your hand outstretched for a few moments, don’t snatch your pointing. The lost will need a moment or two to grasp the direction you are indicating.

Be aware of your underarm region though. As a man who often wears blue shirts, I might well perform this gesture as a semi during the summertime. A semi being the same gesture but made with the elbow close to the chest thus hiding any under-arm stains.

Don’t try and give the most direct route but do try and give the most memorable route. A beginner’s error is to list all the roads and junctions that the lost will need to take. This could involve short-cuts, cut-throughs and all manner of hazards that your lost will not be able to cope with. Leave the joys of Mount Street Gardens for the locals. Keep It Short & Simple or KISS as we direction givers like to say!

Okay, the general direction indicated, we can now move on to route giving proper. Firstly don’t forget to reassure. “Well that’s not far, you are only a few minutes’ walk away” the lost like this, they like it a lot. Then move on, “I think the very easiest way is for you to walk along this road (indicate Piccadilly going east) and take the first left. That road will take you to Berkeley Square, the Square is large and has many fine trees in it (as soon as they see the London Planes they will feel comforted and on the right track) keep walking straight until you get to the top-right hand corner of the Square (Generally lost don’t do compass points well, stick with your basic left and right). Then you will need to go to the top left of the Square. When you are there you will see two roads, you will need to walk up Davies Street (say this in bold italics). Carry on straight up Davies Street and you will very soon come to Grosvenor Street. You know where I am going on this don’t you? Yes, that’s right Grosvenor Street leads directly into Grosvenor Square! Turn left into Grosvenor Street and just keep walking straight and you will even be on the right side of the Square for the Millennium Hotel.”

“That’s great, thank you so much.” The lost will say, and begin to move their weight onto their favoured foot, as if to begin their journey. This is the danger zone. For God’s sake do not let them leave yet! They are in peril.

You have done a fine job, your directions were clear and accurate, just two street names were used and the route was essentially a straight, left, left, straight, left, straight one, but you said it more elegantly than that, and you didn’t mention all the confusing junctions. The problem is that your lost wasn’t listening to a word you were saying.

All the time you were talking the lost was observing you, your clothes, your intonation, your body-language, your unseemly under-arm sweat stains etc.. All good mammal stuff. Are you a threat? Are you a helper? Can you be trusted? Be patient. Your lost only devoted an estimated 3% (Clarke, Chicago, 2001) of their attention to the content of your directions.

“Always repeat.” as E M Forster always said, and so often did (which is why I find him so unreadable).

So give the directions again, this time preface them with a remark such as “So, just to be really clear, the Square and the hotel are in this direction (gesture as before and continue)”. Use precisely the same language as before;  somewhere deep in the subconscious of the lost they will still be processing the first set of instructions. Use different language this time and you risk causing cognitive dissonance, it’s like throwing two pebbles into a pool  and could leave your lost fraught in the collision of ripples. You can even reuse the Davies joke, they really didn’t get it the first time anyway.

An advanced tip

I am a professional City of Westminster Guide. We guides are trained to always stand facing our group with our backs to the subject in hand. It is obviously unnecessary to turn around to check whether Westminster Abbey or the Cenotaph is still behind us as we wax lyrical on the tombs of Kings & Queens or entasis. In guiding, eye-contact with the group is of paramount importance; in directing the lost the truth is more subtle.

As a naive director and guide, I once tried an experiment. I had picked up a lost at Green Park, a young Canadian woman, who asked where Buckingham Palace was. I gave her very  full and accurate directions without, ever once, breaking eye-contact. I “guided” her, a dreadful mistake.

“Yes, certainly Madam, welcome to Mayfair, welcome to Westminster, you will need to cross the road in front of you. That is Piccadilly, the southern boundary of Mayfair. The crossing to your left (prolonged gesture, using my right arm) is currently closed for road alterations. I suggest that you use the crossing to your right (another prolonged gesture, this time with my left arm). You are ultimately responsible for your own safety (An insurance-led comment if ever there was one.). Once you are over the road, proceed in this direction (a prolonged, armpit-revealing signal, suggesting westward movement) and you will very shortly come to a gate. Go through the gate and walk straight along the footpath in front of you. You will be walking through The Green Park. By the time you reach the Canadian War Memorial (I thought this might add additional interest to a Canadian) Aston Webb’s remodelling of the iconic frontage of Buckingham Palace, in Portland stone (admittedly just showing off here) will be clearly in view.”  By the time I had repeated this, I had somehow sensed, I am very empathic in that way, that  the poor woman was utterly freaked out by my performance and was wishing she had asked the Big Bus guy for directions instead.

Directors, and would be directors, please learn by my mistakes. Always turn your body to face whatever you are talking about, use your bodies to suggest movement and direction and don’t show off. The lost like it that way.

Next time I will write a little on relay directions and begin to essay human taxi work.