The Lost of London – A Beginning

London is full of lost people. I am sure there are many people, like me, who really enjoy giving these lost directions but strangely the subject seems little documented.

So I thought I would begin a series on this blog. In it I will explore the joys to be found in giving directions, I will provide a few tips to would-be directors of the lost and later I will look at some advanced direction giving, including a thorough explanation of the “human taxi” technique. Later still I will look at the motivations that underlie  my own direction giving activity. Perhaps my jottings will strike a chord with fellow direction givers and we might begin a dialogue.

First Things First
I am not a professional direction giver. I never charge for directions or solicit a tip unlike the one or two unscrupulous  fellows that hang around Seven Dials with an A-Z and a West End Theatre map, calling out “Anyone lost, need directions, come and see me.”.  To me this is preying on the lost, seeing the lost as victims, there is no fair exchange there.

To charge for directions is for me as unacceptable as charging for good manners. One would not expect a tip for opening a door, saying “thank you” or “good morning” would one? No, for me direction giving must always be provided for free.

Whilst I do not earn money from giving directions I do believe in providing a professional service.  The shouters blatantly self-promote themselves as direction givers, this lacks finesse and style. What job satisfaction can there be for them? There is no room for the acquisition or honing of skills if one relies purely on one very basic technique. I prefer to observe a self-imposed set of quality standards, to constantly review and evaluate my work and to actively seek out new techniques and opportunities. This isn’t as onerous as it might sound, I turn it all into a game.

Catching Your Lost
I spend a lot of my time walking through Central London, it is my office really. Like any office job I often have gaps between meetings, or lulls in the day when I can take a short break. During these gaps, lulls and breaks I will find myself near to a busy Tube station, say Green Park or Covent Garden. A steady stream of the lost are flowing from these portals at all times of the day and in all seasons. I will stop and play with them for a while.

I will first take my position. At Covent Garden for example, this is just by the recycling bins opposite the exit. At Green Park this is on the North side of Piccadilly on the corner of Stratton Street. These are both excellent spots. The lost flow past in abundance.

Now to catch some lost it really helps to look like an available local. The lost will rarely ask for directions if you are carrying a camera. I never carry a map or guidebook with me, if I did that would have to be hidden as well. No it is far better to glance at an imaginary text or email on your phone. This will help set the tone. You are presenting yourself as a local, you have obviously arranged to meet at this precise spot and it was chosen at your suggestion, the person you are meeting is running a little late, they just texted you,  so you now have a few minutes to kill.

I find it helps to look fairly smart. One the rare occasions when I do not want to give directions I will wear a beaten up old leather jacket, jeans and boots. Usually though, hoping to attract the lost, I will wear a suit or at the very least a jacket and trousers.

Now sometimes this is all that is required. Within a few moments of taking up position, someone will stop to ask where is Buckingham Palace, how to find Chor Bizarre, do I know where Shepherd Market is or can I direct them to the Apple Store? A steady flow of these questions provides the opportunity of dispensing a series of objective and fairly routine sets of directions.

Once in a while you get asked a question where you will need to provide a subjective reply, one based on your judgement and more in depth knowledge of the area, these are obviously highlights and are to be savoured.

“Is there a really cosy quietish pub around here? Do you know if there is a good Thai restaurant in this area?  Is there somewhere I can sit outside and smoke nearby?” Clearly highlight questions each and every one.

Yes I know, some purists will regard these questions as more visitor information enquiries than strictly pure direction giving. You have a point but they do involve a substantial direction giving component, so I include them here as part of the rich tapestry of interaction with the lost.

Anyway as I say, often being a bit tidy and signalling free time is enough. At other times the lost may need a little encouragement. There is much to be written on this subject. For now though I will outline the two core techniques, non-verbal and verbal. Personally I always start with the non-verbal.

One sees one’s target lost, say a family, Dad is getting ratty, turning a map this way and that, fraught children having been deprived of M&Ms for upwards of 15 minutes are beginning to tremble their bottom lips, Mum is staring a thousand mile stare and thinking of her first true love and the hopes and dreams that they once shared, life was so much simpler then.
First stage non-verbal involves catching an eye, exchange a glance; together with an open body posture this will do the trick in about 60% of cases. She, wishing to punish this eventual, compromise husband, albeit in a passive manner, for his ratty inability to provide a way forward and his stubborn  insistence on being the only person permitted to hold the map, will call to you. “Excuse me, do you live here?” “Yes Madam I do, how can I help?” Hook line and sinker, job done!

In around 10% of cases, in addition to open body language and exchanging glances, one’s glance must be emphasised by raising both eyebrows in an expectant fashion and offering a small smile. If, as in the case of our fraught family there are children present, one can first smile in a pensive and understanding manner, head slightly inclined, awwww,  at the ill-tempered and dishevelled  offspring first, this will almost certainly clinch the matter.

The verbal technique should be employed only once the non-verbal has been fully explored. Depending on your target you might choose to say “Are you okay there? Can I help at all? Managed to find what you are looking for?” or some such phrase.  Around 15% of lost will immediately grasp at your offer and just 10%, the so-called “independent lost” will need a further nudge. Their initial rebuttal “No we are fine thanks” should be treated as mere opening gambit. Of course they are not fine, they haven’t a clue where they are. For goodness sake their map is folded to show Hyde Park and they are currently standing in Covent Garden. The eldest child is clearly displaying toilet anxiety. They need your help and quickly.

“That’s good, I am sorry to have troubled you, it’s just that I live/work around here and I know how confusing I found it when I first came here.” This apologetic and self-deprecating approach works like a dream. Even the most independent lost will have its heart melted and give you a second bite at the cherry. “Well, perhaps you can help after all, thank you, you see we need to meet friends at the London Transport Museum and we are running a bit late.” “Ah the LTM, excellent, you are very near, just a couple of minutes away.” Slam dunk!

The five percent of lost that remain are especially intriguing. Contained within their ranks are the delusional lost, the sociopathic lost, the drunken lost and the deliberate or willing lost. It is to this last category that I myself belong. I never ask for directions, I refuse them politely if they are ever offered, I don’t carry a map, I like getting lost. It gets harder and harder for me to do this in my chosen patch but in London I can always hop on a tube and arrive in a fertile new area for deliberate self-imposed confusion and celebrate anew the kaleidoscope of infinite possibilities contained within this magnificent city.

As an active direction giver, with personal willing lost sensibilities and habits, I may be in a minority, an oddity even, but I do enjoy myself. I genuinely enjoy both helping the lost and losing myself. In further posts I hope to explain why more fully.